Finally got my hands on a physical copy of HAIM’s “Days are Gone.” Love these gals. Please come to Manila!
Nobody wants to be lonely. There are those who push people away. It’s ironic because what they really need is to know that there are people care for and love them. They need an embrace, a hand to hold, a form of reassurance. People construct walls - walls of varying size and thickness - to mask their vulnerability. Everyone puts on a mask. Everyone has a facade. Everyone, at some point in their lives, has said something they don’t really mean just to protect themselves. Maybe it’s for self-preservation or pride. We all have our reasons.
Why does it seem like humans are built to collide all the time? Why do we push one another when, deep inside, we desire company and warmth? Sigh. Earthlings.
ϟ A Brush With Beauty
Ah, beautiful people. You go about your daily routine and you cross paths with them once in a while. For a moment, your world stops spinning. You die for a fraction of a second (due to the temporary absence of breath and pulse) and your mind jams up. You know you wanna speak to them but at the same time you know you can’t ‘cause your gut tells you you’ll screw it up and make a fool of yourself.
You walk past each other. After your not-so-subtle back glance, all you’re left with is a sweet memory. You’re immediately nostalgic. You ask yourself “Who the hell was that?” or “How could a human being rack up all those good genes? How dare she?” and of course, “Should I have talked to her? Nah… But what if I tried?”
You stare and smile into space while slowly shaking your head. It’s over. You’ll probably never see her again but you’re suddenly filled with hope and confidence. You’re distracted for the rest of the day.
"Next time," you tell yourself.
ϟ The Fear of Death
A friend told me that the human brain has a section dedicated to suppressing the fear of death. It’s supposed to prevent us from freaking out too much about it so we can function properly. Other animals don’t have it, since they aren’t self-aware like we are. Still, this doesn’t stop me from contemplating my mortality or the mortality of the people I love in the wee hours of the night.
Pretty much like the scenario of watching a horror film wherein your eyes are glued to the screen despite your willing yourself to look away, my thoughts tend to dwell on what I consider repulsive. I’d mull over what would happen to my pale body and who would come to my funeral.
It also bothers me to imagine myself as a wrinkly old man looking back his life perhaps burdened with bitter regret. I guess it’s just the pessimist in me. At times these thoughts make me question why I do the things I do and what my life is for if in the end I’ll just end up in a box just like everyone else.
But I learned from somewhere that one’s purpose in life is to create a purpose for oneself. So of course, there’s the usual banter of making the most out of our time here and dedicating our lives to things bigger than ourselves.
But the fear remains.
Never in my life have I witnessed such a resentment and addiction for an app game. I’d like to give it a try but I fear that this game will leave my life in shambles, tear apart my family, smudge away my future, dash my hopes and dreams, cause me sleepless nights, induce hallucinations, grow me an extra limb and have me develop a fear of green pipes.